Discouragement...
Perhaps it's a fit of acute premenstrual angst, perhaps it's what happens three weeks before the end of the quarter, two weeks before my first big practical examination and a huge essay in which I will re-immerse myself in the single most upsetting clinical case of my student career. Or perhaps its the fact that the goddamn public school system complicates my life beyond measure with non-contract day after goddamn non-contract day and now THREE consecutive days of no school for parent teacher interviews next week (he's in kindergarten for fucksake - really now, how enlightening is my half hour out of that enormous chunk of childcareless time gonna be?).
Perhaps it's that Husband and I cannot say a nice word to each other (day three and counting) - not an invitation to discuss this with any family who may be reading - just saying. Perhaps it's because I can't sleep properly. Even if I could afford to see a doc, which I can't, I can't get a physician to draw thyroid and other assorted levels. Instead I will draw them myself (with some help, obviously) lie only semi-outrageously to the lab and hope like hell that the results tell me why I feel so much like a huge pile of crap these days. I can't afford the therapy which I would so desperately like in my life right now - largely because I know every practitioner in my vicinity on a professional level - and for some reason that just feels completely weird. Oh yeah, and there's no money. So instead I blog, which is in itself no longer the quiet refuge it once was. At all. But any port in a storm, right? Perhaps it's that I can't get my goddamn expensive school to DO the things which I expect they should be able to given the unGODly amount of debt I'm harnessing myself to to stay in their program. Long, exhausting and frankly scary-as-shit story as that is.
Perhaps it's this issue brief which the ACNM released a month and a half ago in which they deigned to be the ones who define what it is to be a midwife for everyone, and perhaps it's NG midwife posting this. A post which I can say rather broke my heart.
Today was the sort of day that I'm rather glad is very nearly over.
The thing that sucks most about being on call 24/7 for months straight is that I can only gaze longingly at the fine bottle of bourbon I keep tucked away for moods such as this, instead of actively hunting for the bottom of it...
Perhaps it's that Husband and I cannot say a nice word to each other (day three and counting) - not an invitation to discuss this with any family who may be reading - just saying. Perhaps it's because I can't sleep properly. Even if I could afford to see a doc, which I can't, I can't get a physician to draw thyroid and other assorted levels. Instead I will draw them myself (with some help, obviously) lie only semi-outrageously to the lab and hope like hell that the results tell me why I feel so much like a huge pile of crap these days. I can't afford the therapy which I would so desperately like in my life right now - largely because I know every practitioner in my vicinity on a professional level - and for some reason that just feels completely weird. Oh yeah, and there's no money. So instead I blog, which is in itself no longer the quiet refuge it once was. At all. But any port in a storm, right? Perhaps it's that I can't get my goddamn expensive school to DO the things which I expect they should be able to given the unGODly amount of debt I'm harnessing myself to to stay in their program. Long, exhausting and frankly scary-as-shit story as that is.
Perhaps it's this issue brief which the ACNM released a month and a half ago in which they deigned to be the ones who define what it is to be a midwife for everyone, and perhaps it's NG midwife posting this. A post which I can say rather broke my heart.
Today was the sort of day that I'm rather glad is very nearly over.
The thing that sucks most about being on call 24/7 for months straight is that I can only gaze longingly at the fine bottle of bourbon I keep tucked away for moods such as this, instead of actively hunting for the bottom of it...
posted by Louisa at 6:06 PM
4 Comments:
Unfortunately I can only offer cyberhugs instead of real ones, and offer a cliche in place of something original and meaningful.
(((((((((((((Morag)))))))))))))
"This, too, shall pass..."
Give me a call if you need help watching either of your boys this week. I could do a swap even. I need someone to watch my girls during the county convention on the morning of April 5th... I don't know if that would be a possibility for you, but I would be more than happy to help you out this week even if it isn't.
Please let me know if there's anything else I can do also. In my experience, discouragement is normal and part of any process - not that it's ever easy to deal with in the moment... *hugs* You are on a great path, and doing great things does tend to be more difficult than doing the general run-of-the mill sort of things.
Adversity also has a way of dashing you down but then building you back up so much more!
Woo - I hit that wall last week after 3.5 months of being on call for 8 women birthing. The last I worked with on Sunday and now I am planning sewing classes and yoga because my time is my own - and yet I am sad about this!
*hugs*
Chin up. Be happy for Barb, this is what she wants. I am thinking you are pretty close to the end of training now? x
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