Fear.
I counted up my births and I think I have a grand total of about 20 or so under my belt (as a student midwife) in the last three months or so. Of those I've attended and participated in a birth which resulted in an almost full-scale neonatal resuscitation and transfer, a term stillbirth and a couple of births which involved decent episodes of bleeding and/or goodly (if there is such a thing) amounts of meconium.
I now find myself spooked. I'm genuinely, actively nervous attending births right now. I had a moment at the last birth where I thought my heart would race right out of my chest. I wished for a moment to be somewhere else. I've never had that feeling before.
A client approaches 42 weeks and I get more and more nervous every day that passes and I don't get paged. When I do get paged I know my heart rate will accelerate and a feeling which I've had too frequently in my stomach of late will appear again - a sick, semi-nauseous, acidic sensation. Adrenaline will have my hands shaky before I get in her door...
I understand that in my first couple of months doing this that I've seen a couple of outcomes which even my preceptors, both seasoned midwives have never seen in a couple of decades practicing. I acknowledge that for the iffy or downright scary births I've seen recently I've seen two or three really lovely, completely uncomplicated births which have soothed me after my heart quit racing and my hands stopped shaking.
I am still having a hard time shaking this sense of real unease. Even though rationally I know that I'm not, I still feel so far out of my comfort zone that it makes my hair stand on end.
I'm supposed to be able to trust birth. But right now I can't say that I do. Not like I used to, before I saw these things. I'm not sure how to get my faith in the process back.
Anyone have any ideas?
I now find myself spooked. I'm genuinely, actively nervous attending births right now. I had a moment at the last birth where I thought my heart would race right out of my chest. I wished for a moment to be somewhere else. I've never had that feeling before.
A client approaches 42 weeks and I get more and more nervous every day that passes and I don't get paged. When I do get paged I know my heart rate will accelerate and a feeling which I've had too frequently in my stomach of late will appear again - a sick, semi-nauseous, acidic sensation. Adrenaline will have my hands shaky before I get in her door...
I understand that in my first couple of months doing this that I've seen a couple of outcomes which even my preceptors, both seasoned midwives have never seen in a couple of decades practicing. I acknowledge that for the iffy or downright scary births I've seen recently I've seen two or three really lovely, completely uncomplicated births which have soothed me after my heart quit racing and my hands stopped shaking.
I am still having a hard time shaking this sense of real unease. Even though rationally I know that I'm not, I still feel so far out of my comfort zone that it makes my hair stand on end.
I'm supposed to be able to trust birth. But right now I can't say that I do. Not like I used to, before I saw these things. I'm not sure how to get my faith in the process back.
Anyone have any ideas?
posted by Louisa at 4:05 PM
8 Comments:
Perhaps this is presumptuous of me to say - after all, I'm not a midwife, or even a student (just a doula) but I sort of think the whole 'trust birth' thing actually does us a bit of a disservice.
I'm not quite sure how to articulate this - but it's almost too simplistic. I have ultimate faith in the process of birth, in the wisdom of birth...but do I 'trust birth' to do exactly what I want every time? No. Not the the least.
I respect birth, I so respect and trust the women I serve. But birth, as with all of life, sometimes comes with curve balls, and you've experienced a whole collection of them in a short period of time.
Of course you cannot intellectualize away those feelings - this fear - with statistics and slogans. The only thing, I think, that can get you past this is time. Time and experience and a whole lot more births.
Give yourself permission to fully feel what you feel, because your experiences have brought you to this place, and I don't think it is fair to invalidate them. Then give yourself permission to check it at the door (as much as possible) so that the only birth you are attending is the one currently happening.
Do you have a community of fellow midwives/students (either in real life or online) to release all of this? I imagine you feelings are not all that rare at all.
Another way to think of it - by facing all these issues now, so early in your training, imagine just how prepared you will feel in the future. You will have the wisdom, knowledge and experience to give you confidence and courage during the births were things just don't go as planned.
I'm just rambling, so I hope this all comes off as I intended. I mean it with love and respect for this path you are on. Good midwives are the future of our birth community, and I want to honour your journey.
Jeanette
Oh mama!
Are you in a situation where you can talk to someone? Sounds a little like PTSD to me, maybe just a touch of it?
After I attended a shoulder dystocia (and witnessed the barbaric behavior of her doctor and the nurse afterwards), I felt a lot like that for a long time. It probably took me a couple of years to fully process just THAT birth, much less the other ones that continued to go on and all that they carried with them.
Stick with what you can control, and let go of what you can't... you can't make mamas go into labor at 41 weeks, you can't make them not have complications. You can decide if the benefits outweigh the risks of showing up, but I encourage you to get clear on what is fear and what is fact before choosing.
Fear is a tool, not an obstacle. :) You can set it in front of yourself as an obstacle (in which case, it still serves as a tool!), but I don't see that in you.
You are where you are supposed to be, Louisa. It isn't an accident that these things are happening.
I read a lot of midwifery related blogs... When I was little, I wanted to be a midwife... when I was a teen, I wanted to be a midwife... now at the mid thirty mark... Most days I'm okay with, not going to be a midwife.
I read these words you put out there tonight and think ...
Then I remember all the words you've had before.
Yeah, sometimes you get thrown things you don't particularily want to experience. But in between, gosh. In between, you write such amazing words, they drip with awe.
Inside, you know that you trust birth. You just don't see what the rest of us sometimes get a lovely glimpse at.
Since becoming a doula I've only been to less than a handful of births ... an uncomplicated triumphant hbac, followed by my own traumatic (transfer of babe) hbac, then a full uterine rupture. Since March, a second stillbirth for a friend, and a 22 week mama... I'm not sure why this has been tossed at me. But I'm learning from them ... and until I'm old and grey, I'll enjoy my copy of Varney. Just to dream a little.
*don't have to publish this one if you don't want to... I've been down all day today and this post made me think. Thinking is good.
Hmmm... Have you tried examining your expectations around birth? Are you expecting only perfect outcomes and perfect babies? Are you believing that only good things happen at birth, especially when it takes place when attended by a midwife? If so, then I can understand where your fear is coming from.
Can you find a place inside where you are able accept and understand that you don't ultimately get to call the shots? Barring outright malpractice or negligence (which I am sure you are working very hard not to commit), then those kinds of outcomes are not your fault. And, here's a newsflash for you: It's also not your fault that all the good births turn out the way they do, either.
I'm not trying to push a religious agenda, because g*d knows I'm not a religious person. ;-) But I do know there are a lot of things in life that are mostly out of my hands, birth being one of them. For good or for bad. I just try to do the best I can each and every time. I hope and pray that the outcome is a good one, but I'm ready to roll with the punches and work with what I get when I get it.
I've been reading your blog for a while (never commented, though!), and I believe you are at the threshold of making a huge step forward. That's where your fear is coming from. You're on the edge, ready to make a big developmental leap (remember when your kids were getting ready to start walking?). It's a scary place to be, but you'll make it and on the other side you'll be amazed at where you've arrived--and where you've been.
Blessings!
Maybe you need to go to the hothouse and sweat it out. Sometimes it takes a physical response to begin to heal a phsyical experience. I don't think you can just talk out a rough labor.
My future preceptor says that midwives are always nervous to take on an apprentice or have one graduate/certify, because the births at that time are always crazy. They're crazy at the start because you have to know you have what it takes, and they're crazy at the end because you need to have seen as many complications as possible to be prepared for them when you're a primary midwife yourself. So try to keep in mind that each of these births has contributed to making you a stronger, better midwife, but also try to "empty your cup" before you go into each birth, and let go of that fear and previous-birth experiences so that you aren't waiting for disasters at each birth.
I love your blog. You write with such passion and empathy. Your words about the stillbirth were so touching, and I have filed away all your important advice... hope I never need it, but I know eventually, odds are that I will.
I love and totally agree with the "respect birth" comments above. And I wish for you and your clients to experience a nice long, beautiful string of butter births to restore your spirits.
Oh Louisa, I understand. And so very glad that you are writing these words.
Have you tried Rescue Remedy? I know that most of us would rather not depend on any kind of substance to get through, but it is at least a natural, organic (I think) tincture. It's used for many purposes, but the one I use it for is when I know I'm going into a situation that I'm nervous or anxious about. I take a few drops under my tongue and then chew some fresh mint or minty gum to alleviate the acidy feeling in my stomach. I works every time.
Check it out:
http://www.rescueremedy.com/
love you!
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