Still breathing.
I find myself on Sunday morning, having whittled my sleep deficit down to only around 8hrs, still tired and stressed. This last few weeks have definitely kicked me in the pants. Every day brings with it some new stress to the pile which I just have to climb up on top of.
We have all but come to the conclusion that we will not be able to afford another UberNanny, even though I think the perfect candidate is waiting to hear from us that we received glowing references back for her. I think this gal would be fabulous. She would solve our childcare woes but would sadly have us subsisting on boiled eggs and naked pasta for the forseeable future. The reality of what this does to us finanically however makes it increasingly likely that we won't be able to make her an offer. I think I am staring down the beginning of preceptorship without concrete childcare. This fairly terrifies me.
Part of the problem is that presently I do not yet know to which midwife I will be wedding myself too, by contract in a matter of weeks (like, 3). I have a sneaking suspicion that she practices a full hour and a half away. This commute will undoubtedly pose challenges in and of itself. Like, we're going to have to locate funds for a second vehicle. Combine that with the knowledge that I shall be racking up clinic days, the occasional birth with only husband as back-up right now. I don't know how this will work. Come Fall, Eldest will start kindergarten (full day) and I shall only have to juggle one baby with full school class load and anticipated 20hrs of practicum per week, give or take 60hrs over the course of the quarter. Yeah, hows that for uncertain schedule? Not an easy thing to plan for. But then none of this shit is.
One of my classmates juggles this all while HOMESCHOOLING her THREE children.
I have no words.
I'd love to share with you the full story of the birth last week, but I wasn't there for the whole thing and had to leave (which killed me) before the babe was born. It isn't my story to tell. Suffice to say that mama and babe are both well. It was a fine, albeit very difficult labor. I am proud to have been a (very small) part of it. Mothers are amazingly powerful creatures. I continue to be inspired and humbled by the births of these mothers and their babies. It served it's purpose in reminding me of why it is I subject myself and my lovely family to the rigors of my education.
A senior student spoke at school this last week. She spoke of the challenges of her "lifestyle" and it's profound and sometimes deletrious effects on her marriage. I'm hyper aware of this. More than one midwife has joked that their husbands set up support groups for themselves as they labored through senior year at school. I know tangentally that more than one husband have said to their (mid)wives "it's me or your career". That's what this stuff can do. Hairy. I know I'm not the only one in the class agonizing over what my studies are doing to my family. I'm only 1/2 way through my first year and already I'm feeling it. Perhaps if we weather the first gentle stuff we can push on through the crushing demands which late 2nd year, early 3rd year brings?
I hope so. As much as I feel like I'm drowning right now, I know with equal conviction that I could no more stop what I'm doing than stop breathing.
In the meantime then, in the absence of any better advice (or any advice at all, really) I'll just keep doing both and keep hoping for the best.
We have all but come to the conclusion that we will not be able to afford another UberNanny, even though I think the perfect candidate is waiting to hear from us that we received glowing references back for her. I think this gal would be fabulous. She would solve our childcare woes but would sadly have us subsisting on boiled eggs and naked pasta for the forseeable future. The reality of what this does to us finanically however makes it increasingly likely that we won't be able to make her an offer. I think I am staring down the beginning of preceptorship without concrete childcare. This fairly terrifies me.
Part of the problem is that presently I do not yet know to which midwife I will be wedding myself too, by contract in a matter of weeks (like, 3). I have a sneaking suspicion that she practices a full hour and a half away. This commute will undoubtedly pose challenges in and of itself. Like, we're going to have to locate funds for a second vehicle. Combine that with the knowledge that I shall be racking up clinic days, the occasional birth with only husband as back-up right now. I don't know how this will work. Come Fall, Eldest will start kindergarten (full day) and I shall only have to juggle one baby with full school class load and anticipated 20hrs of practicum per week, give or take 60hrs over the course of the quarter. Yeah, hows that for uncertain schedule? Not an easy thing to plan for. But then none of this shit is.
One of my classmates juggles this all while HOMESCHOOLING her THREE children.
I have no words.
I'd love to share with you the full story of the birth last week, but I wasn't there for the whole thing and had to leave (which killed me) before the babe was born. It isn't my story to tell. Suffice to say that mama and babe are both well. It was a fine, albeit very difficult labor. I am proud to have been a (very small) part of it. Mothers are amazingly powerful creatures. I continue to be inspired and humbled by the births of these mothers and their babies. It served it's purpose in reminding me of why it is I subject myself and my lovely family to the rigors of my education.
A senior student spoke at school this last week. She spoke of the challenges of her "lifestyle" and it's profound and sometimes deletrious effects on her marriage. I'm hyper aware of this. More than one midwife has joked that their husbands set up support groups for themselves as they labored through senior year at school. I know tangentally that more than one husband have said to their (mid)wives "it's me or your career". That's what this stuff can do. Hairy. I know I'm not the only one in the class agonizing over what my studies are doing to my family. I'm only 1/2 way through my first year and already I'm feeling it. Perhaps if we weather the first gentle stuff we can push on through the crushing demands which late 2nd year, early 3rd year brings?
I hope so. As much as I feel like I'm drowning right now, I know with equal conviction that I could no more stop what I'm doing than stop breathing.
In the meantime then, in the absence of any better advice (or any advice at all, really) I'll just keep doing both and keep hoping for the best.
posted by Louisa at 11:24 AM
2 Comments:
You are doing such an amazing thing for so many women. Know that all the hard work and the sacrifice is not for not. This country needs women like you, midwives. I am eternally grateful to my midwife and my doula. Keep up the good work =)
Gah, that's rough. I can help out somewhat with childcare once I'm a month or so post-partum. It'd be good practice for me :) How on earth does your classmate who homeschools three manage??? I can't imagine...
love and peace.
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