The first bump in the road
I'm tired. Really tired. The tired that makes every little thing feel like another huge thing.
I suspect I'm twostepping with a little seasonal affective crap... my Goddess the weather here in Leafy Corner is desperately awful for a good 6 months of the year. After being reared in the tropics I think it's fair to say that the rainy season here shits all over the "rainy season" in Townsville where I spent a good deal of my childhood. In any event Australia sounds like paradise right now, for the first time in, oh about 8 years. The drought and the white hot blue sky which my mother (and probably a couple of good Australian poets) have dubbed 'pitiless' sounds to be just what the doctor (or midwife) ordered. Sigh..
If I were to couch my feelings about my midwifery program in the form of a birth analogy (which I seem to be full of recently) I think you could say that I'm cruising past 7cms and I'm rather cursing the fates for my faulty decision making. I want the bloody epidural right now. I'm not gonna get it but oh boy does it sound like sweet relief right now. I still feel like I can do it, but I have had my first moment of "nup, don't want to keep doing this...".
My first "Shit" uttered the other night at 3am when I was paged to yet another birth, and it was cold and I hadn't got my clothes laid out and I was truly, deeply ambivalent about getting out of bed and into my car, and across the countryside. I did though, and as though to chastise me for
my bad thoughts, baby agreeably (for his mother) arrived minutes before I did. Into his fathers happily waiting hands. Bugger it. A placenta catch is small comfort for a tired student midwife on nights like that.
In other grumpy news I'm pissed off with school as they are being idiots. A client hit my car on Thursday causing more than $750.00 worth of damage (mercifully only cosmetic - poor car), which I shall probably just not fix. My ultra cool clinical seminar instructor midwife has quit teaching for a bit, which bums me out. I hate losing wicked cool instructors, especially ones who I am unlikely to every get to work with directly. I overdid it at yoga and my back is threatening to require pharmaceuticals for the first time in about 5 years. Childcare center has upped their fees and I may have to offer to add her gardening to my to-do list in order to keep head above water with daycare fees. I haven't posted to paying blog gig in about a month, as I'm apparently incapable of writing anything other than posts about VBAC or bitching about my dark, autumnal mood. I shall have to write a desperately inflammatory post about the new breastfeeding and IQ research which had much media here last week. But first I must write a rockin' literature critique of the latest research into elective (or were they) cesarean sections as published in the BMJ...
Be back soonish, hopefully in a better mood.
Xx
I suspect I'm twostepping with a little seasonal affective crap... my Goddess the weather here in Leafy Corner is desperately awful for a good 6 months of the year. After being reared in the tropics I think it's fair to say that the rainy season here shits all over the "rainy season" in Townsville where I spent a good deal of my childhood. In any event Australia sounds like paradise right now, for the first time in, oh about 8 years. The drought and the white hot blue sky which my mother (and probably a couple of good Australian poets) have dubbed 'pitiless' sounds to be just what the doctor (or midwife) ordered. Sigh..
If I were to couch my feelings about my midwifery program in the form of a birth analogy (which I seem to be full of recently) I think you could say that I'm cruising past 7cms and I'm rather cursing the fates for my faulty decision making. I want the bloody epidural right now. I'm not gonna get it but oh boy does it sound like sweet relief right now. I still feel like I can do it, but I have had my first moment of "nup, don't want to keep doing this...".
My first "Shit" uttered the other night at 3am when I was paged to yet another birth, and it was cold and I hadn't got my clothes laid out and I was truly, deeply ambivalent about getting out of bed and into my car, and across the countryside. I did though, and as though to chastise me for
my bad thoughts, baby agreeably (for his mother) arrived minutes before I did. Into his fathers happily waiting hands. Bugger it. A placenta catch is small comfort for a tired student midwife on nights like that.
In other grumpy news I'm pissed off with school as they are being idiots. A client hit my car on Thursday causing more than $750.00 worth of damage (mercifully only cosmetic - poor car), which I shall probably just not fix. My ultra cool clinical seminar instructor midwife has quit teaching for a bit, which bums me out. I hate losing wicked cool instructors, especially ones who I am unlikely to every get to work with directly. I overdid it at yoga and my back is threatening to require pharmaceuticals for the first time in about 5 years. Childcare center has upped their fees and I may have to offer to add her gardening to my to-do list in order to keep head above water with daycare fees. I haven't posted to paying blog gig in about a month, as I'm apparently incapable of writing anything other than posts about VBAC or bitching about my dark, autumnal mood. I shall have to write a desperately inflammatory post about the new breastfeeding and IQ research which had much media here last week. But first I must write a rockin' literature critique of the latest research into elective (or were they) cesarean sections as published in the BMJ...
Be back soonish, hopefully in a better mood.
Xx
posted by Louisa at 2:43 PM
5 Comments:
Hope things are sunny for you soon... it is hard feeling like everything is going to Hades at once.
Goodness do I know!
ohh. I hear you on the 3am "oh shit". A relief to know I'm not the only one.
thinking of you as I sit warm and cozy at home trawling through my correspondance texts and having my nipples sucked off!
xo
I hope you're feeling better!
Morag,
You sound how I feel - just keep thinking that as soon as you get to fully - you should get a renewed energy to push.....
Joanne
i hear ya. but i am groovin' on my dark autumnal mood, but i hold you will you get through yours. the novelty is still strong for me.
ps. I am using the midwife that your friend suggested! i love her! thank you.
mb
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