Tired and lonely
Husband is away on business, children are at school or daycare, I've applied myself to organizing my study into a place where I can spend many hours this coming school year.
Yesterday I fell apart while completing birth paperwork for school over coffee with my preceptor. For the first (but I doubt the last) time she disagreed vehemently with an opinion of mine, not birth related, but midwifery related. Poor thing was quite unprepared for the blubbering mess I dissolved into. T'was, as they say the straw that broke the camels back. I'm tired, frustrated, lonely and sad about the outcomes I have recently seen. The attrition rate of classmates is on it's predicted climb, as typically happens around this point. My class which started with more than 15 of us, now sits at 10. It makes me blue. Some other pieces of the puzzle of why folks leave school and head off to blaze a different trail make me angry and if I'm really honest about it, a wee bit hurt... And in my conversation with my preceptor I ran right up against the first solid reason which might one day nudge me also toward the door out of direct entry midwifery and on towards something different.
The community (if you can call it that - it frequently doesn't feel at all like a community) of midwives is a group of the most individualistic, renegade, independent, stubborn women on the face of the planet. Pieces of this appeal to me as I am, in some respects all of those things.
but other pieces (like how it seems that midwives are hard pressed to rally around any standard, to agree on any damn thing) makes me completely insane. This frustrates me beyond words. I get that differences in practice are necessary, and I appreciate, even if I don't necessarily agree with community standards. Are they informed by how the medical community practices? Yes, but that doesn't immediately, or necessarily make them altogether fucked up. The same can be said about educational pathways. Midwives will fight amongst themselves about just about anything. It's one of the things I hate most about this journey. We'll gripe each other over the relative perceived benefits of anything, your school versus mine, school versus apprenticeship, educational philosophy, community standard versus faith in the process, you name it, we'll fight amongst ourselves over it.
Midwifery is lonely. Recently I've come to think that may be because midwives make it that way.
It'd be a bloody relief to me if one day a bunch of midwives agreed on something other than to disagree.
I'm grateful that a few loving, generous souls may have helped my friend Tiffany stay in school. She and two of my other classmates are a large part of why I shall keep putting one foot in front of the other this year. My heart would break if any one of them left me there to do this crazy shit all on my own. I'm not sure that I could without these amazing women to walk beside me.
I have realized that, for the most part, I am not having fun walking this path. I have passed through the niggly, prodromal, easy-to-distract labor of student midwifery and am cruising steadily well into active labor. I'm still able to relax between contractions but if a transport for pain relief was offered I'd be hard pressed to turn it down.
I'm happy to acknowledge that NOTHING here will make any sense to anyone except for perhaps me. For that I apologize. That's what you get occasionally for reading what amounts to my diary.
Yesterday I fell apart while completing birth paperwork for school over coffee with my preceptor. For the first (but I doubt the last) time she disagreed vehemently with an opinion of mine, not birth related, but midwifery related. Poor thing was quite unprepared for the blubbering mess I dissolved into. T'was, as they say the straw that broke the camels back. I'm tired, frustrated, lonely and sad about the outcomes I have recently seen. The attrition rate of classmates is on it's predicted climb, as typically happens around this point. My class which started with more than 15 of us, now sits at 10. It makes me blue. Some other pieces of the puzzle of why folks leave school and head off to blaze a different trail make me angry and if I'm really honest about it, a wee bit hurt... And in my conversation with my preceptor I ran right up against the first solid reason which might one day nudge me also toward the door out of direct entry midwifery and on towards something different.
The community (if you can call it that - it frequently doesn't feel at all like a community) of midwives is a group of the most individualistic, renegade, independent, stubborn women on the face of the planet. Pieces of this appeal to me as I am, in some respects all of those things.
but other pieces (like how it seems that midwives are hard pressed to rally around any standard, to agree on any damn thing) makes me completely insane. This frustrates me beyond words. I get that differences in practice are necessary, and I appreciate, even if I don't necessarily agree with community standards. Are they informed by how the medical community practices? Yes, but that doesn't immediately, or necessarily make them altogether fucked up. The same can be said about educational pathways. Midwives will fight amongst themselves about just about anything. It's one of the things I hate most about this journey. We'll gripe each other over the relative perceived benefits of anything, your school versus mine, school versus apprenticeship, educational philosophy, community standard versus faith in the process, you name it, we'll fight amongst ourselves over it.
Midwifery is lonely. Recently I've come to think that may be because midwives make it that way.
It'd be a bloody relief to me if one day a bunch of midwives agreed on something other than to disagree.
I'm grateful that a few loving, generous souls may have helped my friend Tiffany stay in school. She and two of my other classmates are a large part of why I shall keep putting one foot in front of the other this year. My heart would break if any one of them left me there to do this crazy shit all on my own. I'm not sure that I could without these amazing women to walk beside me.
I have realized that, for the most part, I am not having fun walking this path. I have passed through the niggly, prodromal, easy-to-distract labor of student midwifery and am cruising steadily well into active labor. I'm still able to relax between contractions but if a transport for pain relief was offered I'd be hard pressed to turn it down.
I'm happy to acknowledge that NOTHING here will make any sense to anyone except for perhaps me. For that I apologize. That's what you get occasionally for reading what amounts to my diary.
posted by Louisa at 1:25 PM
5 Comments:
I'm so sorry about the interaction with your preceptor. Those situations can leave us feeling hopeless, but in the end, we realize that sometimes (if they're approached fairly and not accusatory) it's such a great lesson to learn. Not about what you don't agree about: but how to best approach it with an apprentice.
Because you will likely need to do the same one day as a primary midwife.
I'm also sorry about the hostile environment in WA. Really, every legislative session some legislator brings up mandatory licensure of all Oregon midwives and a stricter hand on protocols. We all look at WA in fear...it seems that in the last ten years, things there have gotten really difficult for students and practicing midwives alike.
Oregon midwives are not without conflict. Heck, midwives are all strong, powerful women with big opinions. I would expect conflict and disagreement, even some division.
I honestly believe that just because we're all homebirth midwives doesn't mean that we believe in the same things, approach birth in the same way, or even feel that everyone else is right and we are wrong. :) You know?
It's so hard.
Incidently, my midwifery school class started out at 12 and by year three, we had five (one that we gained in our second year) and now there are only two of us practicing.
Sometimes it's about finances, time constraints, life changes - other times I see that midwifery school is a stepping stone for many women. It provides them a base from which to build so many other things.
I'm sorry about my other rants on your blog. Issues like race and class hit me hard in midwifery and childbirth/lactation activism. I shouldn't have taken such a gracious post and made it a soapbox.
xoxo
No apology necessary. And believe it or not, her disagreement with me was something of a huge compliment. It was a back assward kind of conversation, and not all that important in the grand scheme of things. I have two amazing preceptors who I love dearly. This post was so not about them, more just my own finding my way in a profession that sometimes feels so divided and marginalized.
Some days all I wanna do is move to New Zealand.
I hear you about the race/class issues. I share your concerns. Some days though, it's all I can do to manage what I have in front of me. I simply don't have the time or energy to tackle issues which are so big. One day though, hopefully we'll all be able to do our bit to bring midwifery care, and midwifery education to all the women who need and want it so badly. That's what I hope for anyway.
Loved your post on uterine rupture btw. It will come in very handy when I am challenging some of my instructors and their "community practice" lines. :) Like my preceptor, I too will one day be a VBAC midwife.
Firstly I just wanted to say that I enjoy your blog so much. You mirror so many of my views. If there is something I have learned lately, there is no right or wrong. It seems everyone does everything differently and has different views, which is something I think should be celebrated, but also makes life difficult at times. Hang in there. (I think I need to be saying this to myself too!!)
Btw, New Zealand would love to have you! We are desperately short in some places.
Unfortunately, this culture is not exclusive to midwifery. Asky Penny Simkin ;)
The art of mentorship is a gift, it is also something those who are in the role of mentorship should be trained for. I rarely see this happen.
People possess an occupational skill and are tossed into the role of mentorship with little instruction or guidance about appropriately inspiring and guiding those newer to the field.
Mentorship should flow back and forth, I hope you eventually get the opportunity to evaluate your mentors so they may hear how their guidance impacted you (both for the positive and negative).
And....just perhaps a little reflection, this isn't unique to birth professionals necessarily. Many occupations are filled with selfish, insecure, righteous and territorial people.
I wonder how we all might take these circumstances and turn them into learning opportunities so we may increase our ability to work with challenging people??
Louisa thank you for voicing what you go through with school and preceptorship. I think some of us decide to go into midwifery with this googly-eyed idea of The Farm in the 1970s, communal meals, holding hands in a circle around a laboring woman and ohming the baby out. It's just not like that. There are politics and disagreements involved.
There was a situation here in my county in November of 2005 in which a local midwife attempted home delivery of twins. One of the babies was breech and a whole barrage of complications came up and in the end, one of the babies died. I am very torn in my feelings about this situation. Birth, in whatever capacity is "supposed to be normal," and this mom had the right to try and have her babies at home. I feel horrible that it went the way it did, but in my opinion, the midwife should have had some idea that one of the babies was breech, and instead of trying to deliver at the house (which is a 15-20 minute drive to the hospital), should have at the very least gone to the free standing birth center which is only a few blocks from the hospital.
This is all my opinion although many might disagree...in either direction. I think the key to understanding and unity in any "community" is the basic respect for one another's opinions. We don't necessarily have to agree, but we should have respect for out colleagues. Each of us are here for a reason. We all feel this passion and, although it may come from different places (just like we do), it mostly centers around one thing...helping women bring their babies into the world. That's what we're here for.
~<{HUG}>~
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